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Context as the New Boundaries
What are boundaries?
Many of us have been exposed to the idea that we are supposed to have strong boundaries. Back in the day we'd do this exercise where we'd stand in the middle of a ring about arm lengths in size, and we'd role play defending this space. While it was a fun insight into standing up for one's self, today i want to explore how the whole concept of boundaries has changed with the arrival of social neuroscience.
There is, in my view, a great deal of sense in gaining a better capacity for consent, and in AR we love consent, both seeking consent, and saying no when we mean no. However this older concept of boundaries seemed to be focused more on what you didn't want. That's not acceptable, that's not appropriate. The actual word boundaries implies a separation between individuals. More lately, social neurobiology is starting to show how our nervous systems are interconnected. And many religious philosophies have long spoken of the idea that separation and independence are illusions. The word yoga speaks to union and reunification.
What is context?
So, what does this mean for collaboration, and attempts to reconnect? AR gives us an alternative term: context. One that assumes interdependence, instead of independence.
You can think of context like the rules of a game. Setting clear context ensures that all participants of a given context are playing by the same rules of the game, and that each player knows the rules clearly and comprehensively. Loose or vague context leads to confusion, assumptions, and potential for chaos. - Ryel Kestano
Context is more proactive, you set it in advance. Its more positively framed, it's what we want, and less about what we don't want. Participants each clarify what they are up for, then propose and seek mutual consent for that context. It is the overlapping part of the circles of each participants own context. By discovering the shared context, then we as mature communicators can seek the missing parts of our context with someone else.
In AR there is this idea of growing our capacity to express desire without attachment. This means saying what we want, without filtering it through what we think the other person can meet. And accepting a no, without getting louder and that want turning into a demand. If they say no, the need doesn't go away, but by taking it elsewhere, we can honor both self and other.
In facilitated practice session, the facilitator typically assumes a role as the context setter. This allows participants to get on and practice. The analog to context in grassroots collaboration models, are things like explicitly documented purpose, and meeting agenda setting. David Bohm often talked about, before having a conversation, having a conversation about the conversation.
Ok, so now lets explore the link between needs, wants, and context.
Problems that arise when we try to set context
If we take away those context structures, and put two or more random practitioners together, they become called to set context themselves. How is it that we want to communicate? In friendships and family relationships this all becomes super important.
Attention to context setting is so fundamental to successful AR relating. But, there are some road blocks to doing this, and one of the big ones is our relationship to wants and needs.
Because, we may find ourselves in a moment of attempting to set context, that pain from old unmet needs suddenly resurfaces. One of the definitions of conflict is a failure to set context, or a clash of two or more contexts that have not been adequately pre-negotiated and made explicit. Thus hindering our attempts to reconnect.
Many of us have forgotten how to want. So much so that, back when we were teaching NVC, introducing the idea of needs was a pretty sure way to dysregulate an entire room full of educated progressive people. My hypothesis for this, is that, if there were times in our childhood when important needs were not met, and our protests were ignored, or worse still punished, then, in simple terms, our natural capacity to want, and to notice and clearly articulate it, was just beaten out of us. Put into dormancy.
If there is a moral of this story, its that paying attention to context setting in our offline AR remains crucial, but its a good idea to be watchful for semi buried legacy pain associated with wants and needs.
Image credit: Fuchesmulle Cooperative
Note that views expressed in blogs do not necessarity reflect the views of the Project. They are the blog authors version of truth.
