Practice Library

Why grieve?

The purpose of this series is to explore how we can hold a space to be with each others grief. The 'no fracking' model tells us precisely nothing about what we might actually do, or how we might be with those holding emotion.

The why is simply this. We all of us, no exceptions, have experiences, either new or old, that our nervous systems have not yet fully integrated. This is our box. These experiences have been filed in this box for good reason, our nervous system did not, at the time, have the resources to handle the pain associated with them. Now that we are more resourced, have great practices, and great peers, many of us find we are now ready to let some of the pressure out of this box.

The process

We work with the excellent RIVER model from the peer support world, and with a journalling out loud process adapted from James Pennebaker. With support from James and Freidmans' book, The Grief Handbook, as well as picking the useful bits from John Bradshaw's work around processing original pain. We lean hard on the core premises of SE, titration and pendulation, to undertake this work in a measured way that our nervous systems can process bit by bit. We use tons of appreciation and affirmation as regulatory bread and butter.

Important caveats

Please note, that in order to do this work, you will need to have first established a basic capacity to hold some inner space for presence and self care. This means being able to hold some emotion from a place of perspective and witnessing. If you tend to get readily overwhelmed, flooded, and unable to self manage, it is advised you hold fire a bit before signing up for this.

Also note because grief is so much about loss, James and Freidman remind us how important it is that as peers we show up consistently and reliably as we work with a grief support practice. So, its more important than usual that, after the first session, you commit to attending all sessions in the series, turn up on time, and do the homework. Otherwise we risk aggravating the raw spot, and that is not what we want :)

Having said all that, this group offers a profoundly safe and gentle place to be with the emotion of grief. And to help build our capacity to be with our own grief and the grief of others. And as Pennebaker's studies demonstrate, while it might feel not that great during the process, a couple of weeks later it can really free up some internal space, and lead to improved overall well-being.