Blogs

Yesterday, during a 'reflection' themed practice session, i noticed a participant who started their share by appreciating something that i had said as the previous speaker.

What struck me about this (other than it felt good) was the idea of appreciation as a form of reflection. Or, said more coherently, appreciation as Getting their world. As active listening.

Now, here i notice this whole cascade of thoughts, tumbling one after the other.

Appreciation has long struck me as a very powerful way to build connection. If AR is about enhancing connection then, almost above all other things, appreciation seems to hit the spot.

Of the people that most inspired me as i arrived at this conclusion was Decker Cunov. Watching him work, almost every second sentence was one of appreciation. It was actually said of him that he could find something to appreciate even in the most horrific of moments.

I'm reading a book just now by Roy Baumeister called the Power of Bad. Turns out, this is THE book on the negativity bias. If you still need any convincing at all about the disproportionate impact of the neurobiological nightmare that is the negativity bias, yeah i suggest you go ahead and read it. Book review coming.

Unbeknown to me, Baumeister was one of the champions of the Positive psychology movement, along with Seligman, Fredrickson and Csikszentmihalyi et al.

Anyway I have spent some time lately, for my theory presentation homework, studying the positive psychology's website (which i just noticed is titled Helping others help you. Nice!).

There are entire sections on gratitude, including a page with a dozen ted talks. But going through them i noticed most of the talks were about gratitude per se, and not about appreciation.

Disappointed (and to be honest left feeling rather like they missed the point), this led me to arrive at a working definition of appreciation as: gratitude done out loud.

Related to this, i get the impression that the whole self esteem / power of positive affirmation movement that sprang up during the flower power era, has since been discredited. So there must be something about gratitude and appreciation that are materially different from that, right?

Well Baumeister (and Leary) answer this directly by saying that accuracy matters. This is why an appreciation that is fluffy or unearned doesn't sit right, and has none of the impact of a genuine, specific sentence of appreciation.

Notwithstanding the whole Buddhist notion of gratitude, loving kindness meditation etc, I want to say that appreciation seems to me like a much more powerful practice. At least when holding the context of relationships, as we are doing. So, now, if we think of AR as: mindfulness meditation done out loud, then appreciation becomes the AR version of mindfulness's gratitude.

Alright, i think we are ready to start to close the loop here.

If we as the listener are tasked with "Getting their world", and reflection is one of the tools we employ to do that, then adding a dose of appreciation to our listening toolkit feels particularly juicy, right?

I know i promised to tie the bow, but I just remembered that last month i did some face to face AR with a group of younger people building an intentional community. After repeating a particular practice with them a few days in a row, just the basic: Whats alive, What i heard, and what i loved, pair practice, i found myself asking them, why might we be repeating this drill? One of the answers that came was because maybe if we get into the habit of doing this, then should a tetchy moment arises in our meeting, instead of speaking over each other, maybe we will lean more into this practice. Exactly!

(Sidenote. "What i heard and what i love about that", is my version of ART's reflect, share impact. Topic for another day.)

There is just something fascinating to me about this 'one two punch', to borrow a boxing term. Reflect the most alive idea or energy of their share and then immediately follow it with a sentence of appreciation. Specific, earned appreciation. No matter how small a thing. Keep looking, there's something. And, said like you mean it.

Example: I heard you wiggle at your struggle to hold X and Y. What i loved about this was how i saw you holding two truths with curiosity and naming. That is inspiring to me :)

So, for those wanting to find a way to reflect more skillfully and gracefully (and here again my view is that it just takes practice, lots of it, so the sooner we get that practice the sooner it will come more naturally), maybe appreciation is another way to reflect.

If the point is, to get their world. If the point is, to make them feel seen. If the appreciation is accurate and specific, ie. not "I think your'e wonderful," or "you did well", but "i love the way you.. X.").

What better way to get their world?