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Somewhere in the PPP's is this phrase, "We are willing to make space for difficult conversations, without relationships falling apart." It is borrowed from Vanessa Andreoti, who has this lovely economical style of writing.

So what is a difficult conversation? Some sectors use the term uncomfortable conversation, or challenging conversation. I don't know if there is an accepted definition, but i would define it as a conversation that contains an element of unresolved difference, and which has the potential to verge in one direction toward full blown conflict, but also in the other direction, by applying our AR skillsets to achieve a better, more connecting outcome. AR seems to have adopted the name 'Difficult Conversations', and a number of training providers offer courses. It is a learnable skill.

On the upside, difficult conversations is a practice that supports not only our growth as communicators, but also one that has the unexpected potential to heal old relational wounds.

A different approach

Very commonly, there is a tendency to structure conflict conversations in the manner of a complaint. It becomes all about what the other person did wrong. This (as we probably know from experience) does not usually go well. Instead, what might happen if we tried turning this around?

Three cruxes to difficult conversations

I think that there are three big cruxes to this practice: speaking when i should be listening, the tangle of emotion, and knowing what i want.

First, emotion. We know that emotions are not easy to access from the cognitive mind, so learning to use more feeling words in our relating practice is a great edge to be wiggling at. For our new practice module on the topic, for working with emotion we have created a tool called the feelings stack. Usually working through this from top to bottom will shed some light on what i am really feeling deep down under all the noise and hubbub. Knowing what we are feeling is also important because of what Rosenberg told us about feelings informing needs.

Which takes us to crux number two. Clearly a better approach to complaining, is to say what i want. This is more future facing, proactive, constructive, and easier to hear. However getting in touch with what it is that i want, is really quite hard. It's hard for two reasons, first it involves getting past whatever legacy narratives i might have about how worthy i believe i am of having needs and desires. Secondly, saying what i want is a creative act. It involves predicting what will make me happy, and understanding how to go about it. The human brain just seems to be much better at detecting 'bads', and mapping the past to the present, rather than 'goods' and mapping the present to the future.

And the third crux is finding a way to shift to curiosity. Ryel Kestano and Jason Digges books both explain the AR concept of emotional aikido. Put briefly this involves, instead of fighting fire with fire, instead of reaching for our complaint, our justification, etc etc, we instead slow down and reach instead for a profound sense of curiosity. What is it about the other's person world that is making them do this (notionally troublesome) thing?

The times when i have been able to do this, it has had a remarkably calming effect on me. This person in front of me might be calling me all sorts of names, but, by simply surrendering, and saying, tell me what i'm not getting. Tell me what is important about this for you.

Rupture and Repair

Attachment theory gives us the term rupture and repair. Mammals bond with each other to survive, and this attachment requires that any ruptures to those bonds be repaired. Unrepaired bonds destabilize the tribe's shared safety from external threats that was the point of the group bonding in the first place.

A definition of developmental trauma that i quite like, is that all kinds of bad things can happen to us, but they only become embedded as trauma when the events we experienced were beyond the capacity of our nervous systems to cope with. Put another way, stress that we did not have sufficient co-regulatory support for, during or after the event. Or, in other words, stressful events that did not get repaired. In this way, we never learned to repair. We were never shown how.

So, if we have such trauma, an important part of increasing our well-being / vagal tone is to learn the essential skill of repair. And like all things AR, that takes practice. Lots of practice. That's why i keep droning on about seat time.

What does it look like in real life?

Here is an example taken from Marc Beneteau's book:

I am feeling a bit stressed about the kitchen. I wonder if we can talk about it? Is now a good time?	[Vulnerable share] [Get permission]
I bring this up, because I value keeping things clear between us. I really care about you, and our relationship.	[Set context] [More vulnerability]
I am actually a bit afraid of bringing this up with you... but, i want to get better at difficult conversations.	[Yet more vulnerability] [More context]
This relates to the dishes on the kitchen sink this morning.	[Observation]
Is it hard for you to do your dishes at night?Is there something going on with you right now? I am here to listen, if it would help.	[Offer empathy, curiosity] [Offer to get their world]
...	[And stop there! It's too early in the conversation to express a need or make a request]

Not only is that a good insight into emotional aikido in action, its also a good illustration of the difference between AR and NVC. AR seems to ask us to dwell in that vulnerable uncertain space. To see what is there.