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Listening to a dialog with Arthur Brooks and Simon Sinek, i was struck by something they said about appreciation as prayer.

Appreciation as process

The bigger context of their conversation relates to the relative importance of process. Underneath whatever our collective endeavor happens to be, is a whole level of juiciness to do with how we do what we do. Their view is that it is the process side of the equation that provides the education, growth, wisdom, and the development of intuition. Process is an infinite game because there is no winning of it, no completing it, no perfection of it. "[When people thought back], it wasn't their commercial success or outcome that was memorable, but it was the process of coming together with other people in common cause that left them feeling joy and fulfillment, that they carry with them for the rest of their lives." Culminating in their call to let go of outcome, and embrace the process.

For me it is pretty easy to see that appreciation is part of process. Appreciation is about helping people feel noticed, seen and valued. That they are an important part of the tribe. That they belong. That they matter. While these are basic and primal needs for mammals, go ahead and throw in a dose of developmental trauma, and that need becomes even more present and pressing.

Appreciation as prayer

Previously i equated appreciation as gratitude expressed out loud. What is gratitude out loud, if it is not a prayer?

Of course there is prayer and there is prayer. Religion is not my specialty, but i get the sense that the philosophy of prayer has shifted somewhat from petitionary prayer toward a more gratitude based one. Petitionary prayer is a plea for outcome, or for guidance. Gratitude prayer is a celebration of blessings already received or that might otherwise be taken for granted.

Once more common, petitionary prayer, the "divine vending machine", tends these days to be seen as increasingly problematic. If god knows what is best, why ask? If not, why ask? If prayer changes the outcome how do we explain the favoritism? Why help me and not all the others that need help? It's hope as a strategy.

Sinek and Brook recognise the primary value of prayer as gratitude, and gratitude as prayer. This sat well for me as i listened to them bounce the idea back and forth, and it sits well with me now as i write.

If gratitude is solitary, then appreciation becomes a prayer that is by definition shared amongst peers. I want to say its a celebration of connection itself.

Mantras and chants as regulation

When i was in India doing yoga training, we were taught traditional mantras. The singing of celebratory mantras by groups of practitioners has a long and venerable history. Similarly Christian monks had their Gregorian chants.

Stephen Porges often remarks about the physiological wisdom embedded in such traditions. The resonance of sounds in the throat, and between singers, just happens to support individual and collective nervous system regulation.

One of Mark Goulston's favorite verbal responses to potentially troubling relational encounters, is "Hmmm". I tried it lately and the phrase seems to want to linger. For the same reason that Peter Levine gets his clients to make a "vhoooo" sound. I invite you to try either, and see how it feels.

For many of the same reasons, i think that appreciation is pro-regulatory. Its regulating for the receiver and the giver because of acknowledging and being acknowledged as having social value. It's regulating for both the giver and receiver, because of the prosodic auditory cues. Genuine appreciation, or prayer, both require a regulated state, and are supportive of more regulated states. That in my book is cool.

Toxic positivity

Ok, so at some point i should (finally) address my critics. Trying to find something to appreciate is a long established AR tool that supports empathy and care.

Positivity is generally considered 'toxic' when there is a failure to name vulnerability, fear or grief that is actually present. It's the boss who shows up as: never mind lets look on the bright side, when their team has suffered a catastrophic loss or failure. Its the "gaslighting" of a pressure to "stay positive". It's hope as a strategy.

There is a time to grieve. There is a time to be vulnerable and afraid. Absolutely. So perhaps toxic positivity is not 'too much gratitude', but gratitude used to override or silence present affect. To prematurely collapse complexity, ambiguity and nuance that is wanting to be expressed or acknowledged. In the same way that new age spirituality sometimes privileges dorsal shutdown and disguises it as peace and/or presence.

So the question becomes, when are regulatory interventions essential first aid, and when are they just trying to put a bandaid on something that needs stitches? I wonder if it depends on the age of the pain. For current events it seems entirely appropriate to acknowledge and validate pain. In order to honour the whole cycle, we might contact the embodied feeling, metabolise it, and only then complete the cycle by restoring regulation using tools like gratitude.

But for residual or legacy pain, might focusing on the affect associated with it, risk wallowing in an endless affect loop? The old pain is already by nature self reinforcing, and probably doesn't need our help. This is where i see appreciation really shining.

Conclusion

If gratitude is to be more than positive self talk, to be more than hope as a strategy, then context does matter.

Something i have noticed lately during practice, and came to mind while i was writing Practice comes first is that my old relational patterns, and my legacy emotions and distorted attitudes around relating are rather stubbornly embedded, and not always entirely enthusiastic about present day relating or relating practice. Despite me knowing better.

Therefore to get and keep me in my practice seat, it has to be fun, it has to be nice. There has to be a payoff. Tuning too much into my old affect doesn't qualify. The celebration of new learnings does. Appreciation as prayer does. Joyful naming of the journey, of the process, of our togetherness.

I have heard Porges speak of what ventrally situated, or aspiring to be, humans do with each other as: "witness, welcome and appreciate". Here he is classing listening, reflection, validation, and appreciation all in a group of pro-regulatory behaviours.

Actually, this all strikes me as a cousin of the phrase used in some therapy and education sectors: do i want to be heard, helped or hugged.

Read more:

• Your Instincts Know What You Want with Author Brooks | A Bit of Optimism Podcast https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gydPHELj7jE
• Sara Ness, The Art of Getting Someone's World