Practice Library

This module works with a model involving four learnable skills:

1. Stone Patton and Heen's tools for being specific about the observable facts of the incident, and being able to describe the overall dynamic in 'third chair' language

2. the shift to listening, when every fibre of my being wants to speak

3. a four tier feelings stack: judgements, pseudo-feelings, surface emotion, and primary emotion

4. expressing desire without attachment

The first takes Marshall Rosenberg's observation and combines it with Sue Johnson's naming the cycle. When we can describe both parties role (and obviously the hardest part is our own) then we arrive at what is called a third chair perspective.

The shift to listening is about first acknowledging our story, then shifting to curiosity as a way of getting out of story. It's that emotional aikido idea of turning the energy around. Instead of demanding that our protest be heard, offering to listen and get their world has a remarkably regulating effect on both parties.

Feelings and longings. These are generally the crux of the matter, and yet they are usually the least accessible. For feelings we use the feelings stack tool to try to go one layer deeper at a time. As the remedy and natural antithesis of the complaint, for figuring out what we want, we take this slowly using a process that first examines our attitudes to needs and desires, and using past experience as a window into things that we might like to have happen.

The challenge

When we plan our difficult conversations, one of the checklist items is to be clear about my intention. Most well intended purposes will work. The one that generally will not work, is any kind of need to change the other person or to off-load my pain.

Our feelings stack model will invite us as participants to dig beneath the feelings under the feelings, to see if we can find the vulnerable raw spot that was touched in the incident. The very thing that dysregulated us! The warning then, is to only sign up for this series if this is a journey you are willing to make!

Presencing desire, some inspriation

The upside to this is that the more vulnerable the emotion is, the clearer my desire becomes, the more access i have to it. Desire is not something that comes easy. For those of us that have forgotten how to want, here is some inspiration.

Do i want to: - receive - give - co-create - have space

Do i want to be: witnessed welcomed appreciated

Do i want to be: heard helped hugged

Session Outline

S1	Working with story
S2	Exploring multiple perspectives
S3	Feelings under the feelings
S4	What do i want
S5	Expressing desire
S6	Putting it together

Recommended Reading

• Stone; Patton & Heen (1999), Difficult Conversations,
• Ryel Kestano (2022), Authentic Relating, Chapters 19-21
• Jason Digges (2020), Conflict = Energy, Chapters 11-12
• Kinyon; Lasater & Stiles (2015), From Conflict to Connection
• Gottman & Gottman (2025), Fight Right
• Mark Goulston (2010), Just Listen